Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
