he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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