She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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