Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize