two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
