i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
