I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize