i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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