It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
