there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
