ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
