I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
