There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
