Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm too high and old for this...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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