my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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