we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
