it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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