My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
