I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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