Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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