I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
