Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
