He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
how drunk are you?
Several
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize