He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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