There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
whose parrot is this?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
