My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
