you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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