Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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