bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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