just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
