I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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