i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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