They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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