Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
