one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
