What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
