and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
