it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
