I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
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