tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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