i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
