I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
