this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
