The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
