Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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