Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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