I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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