i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
