You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
