he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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