just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
