She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
