Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
