Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
