Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
