this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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