y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
