Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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