I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize