That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
