omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
