Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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